A Joke for Today
- destresserai
- The Sixth Sense
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Re: A Joke for Today
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons?
“He wanted to be a hentertainer.”
“He wanted to be a hentertainer.”
- DAL1977
- Air Force One
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AND THATS WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED........
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
I tried to talk my wife into b*ying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she b*ght a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to p*y me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I b*ght her a scale.
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
I tried to talk my wife into b*ying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she b*ght a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to p*y me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I b*ght her a scale.
And then the fight started...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
- destresserai
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1308
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:52 am
- Old post count: 581
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- Location: Surrey
Re: A Joke for Today
Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
To get away from the noise
To get away from the noise
- destresserai
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1308
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- Location: Surrey
Re: A Joke for Today
What’s a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!!!
Hide and squeak!!!
- destresserai
- The Sixth Sense
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Re: A Joke for Today
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.
- AYBG
- ASA NISI MASA
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Re: A Joke for Today
The original question is "Which is worse - Ignorance or Apathy?"destresserai wrote:What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care!
Search that in google images. Go on, do it.
Top 50 Poster!
- steve9872
- SuperMember
- Posts: 7059
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:43 pm
- Old post count: 456
- Location: Leeds - 456 posts on old site
Re: A Joke for Today
I did it, you're just showing off. Its the top answer.AYBG wrote:The original question is "Which is worse - Ignorance or Apathy?"destresserai wrote:What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care!
Search that in google images. Go on, do it.
Member number 13 of the 100 free films in 2019 club.
My more realistic target is 80
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
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53 seen 2017
61 seen 2016
86 seen 2015
71 seen 2014
90 seen 2013
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69 seen 2011
60 seen 2010
Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)
My more realistic target is 80
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
29 seen 2018
53 seen 2017
61 seen 2016
86 seen 2015
71 seen 2014
90 seen 2013
77 seen 2012
69 seen 2011
60 seen 2010
Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)
- destresserai
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1308
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:52 am
- Old post count: 581
- Preferred Cinemas: Wimbledon, Kingston, Epsom, Wandsworth, Croydon Grants
- Location: Surrey
Re: A Joke for Today
Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself!
- destresserai
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1308
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:52 am
- Old post count: 581
- Preferred Cinemas: Wimbledon, Kingston, Epsom, Wandsworth, Croydon Grants
- Location: Surrey
Re: A Joke for Today
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row
On squid row
- destresserai
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1308
- Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:52 am
- Old post count: 581
- Preferred Cinemas: Wimbledon, Kingston, Epsom, Wandsworth, Croydon Grants
- Location: Surrey
Re: A Joke for Today
The Tomato family is walking down the street. There's the mummy tomato, the daddy tomato and baby tomato.
They're walking at a good pace when the baby starts lagging behind. Daddy tomato starts getting mad. By the third street daddy tomato is so furious that he runs back and with his fist, squashes baby tomato.
He smiles and says, ''Ketchup!'''
They're walking at a good pace when the baby starts lagging behind. Daddy tomato starts getting mad. By the third street daddy tomato is so furious that he runs back and with his fist, squashes baby tomato.
He smiles and says, ''Ketchup!'''