A Joke for Today
- steve9872
- SuperMember
- Posts: 7059
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:43 pm
- Old post count: 456
- Location: Leeds - 456 posts on old site
Re: A Joke for Today
http://notalwaysright.com/technically-h ... rate/21435
(Two customers enter the electronics department.)
Me: “Can I help you two with anything?”
Customer: “Yeah, I dropped my phone in the toilet.”
Customer’s Friend: “No, you dropped it in the sink.”
Me: “Well, did you try putting it in a bag of rice?”
Customer: “No, I put it in the microwave.”
Me: “Sir, you aren’t supposed to put electronic devices in the microwave.”
Customer: “I realize that now…it exploded after ten seconds in the thing!”
(Two customers enter the electronics department.)
Me: “Can I help you two with anything?”
Customer: “Yeah, I dropped my phone in the toilet.”
Customer’s Friend: “No, you dropped it in the sink.”
Me: “Well, did you try putting it in a bag of rice?”
Customer: “No, I put it in the microwave.”
Me: “Sir, you aren’t supposed to put electronic devices in the microwave.”
Customer: “I realize that now…it exploded after ten seconds in the thing!”
Member number 13 of the 100 free films in 2019 club.
My more realistic target is 80
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
29 seen 2018
53 seen 2017
61 seen 2016
86 seen 2015
71 seen 2014
90 seen 2013
77 seen 2012
69 seen 2011
60 seen 2010
Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)
My more realistic target is 80
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
29 seen 2018
53 seen 2017
61 seen 2016
86 seen 2015
71 seen 2014
90 seen 2013
77 seen 2012
69 seen 2011
60 seen 2010
Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)
Re: A Joke for Today
How do you make a pirate angry. Take the 'p' out of him.
One for the kids.
One for the kids.
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bu**er off.
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bu**er off.
- akh43
- Se7en
- Posts: 2575
- Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:52 am
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: Trafford Centre, Lowry, Didsbury, Showcase, Printworks, Stockport
- Location: manchester
Re: A Joke for Today
From a friend on facebook
As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces “if I am going to die I want to die like a woman” She removes all her clothing and asks“is there someone on the plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says “here, iron this!”
As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces “if I am going to die I want to die like a woman” She removes all her clothing and asks“is there someone on the plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says “here, iron this!”
Member 53 of the "100 free films in 2024" - 12 seen - 88 to go - 2 booked
Hopefully this year we will get more free Manchester screenings as they are rare as hen's teeth nowadays
Hoping to beat my 2023 total of 31
Want to see in 2024: Planet of the Apes, Quiet Place 3, Despicable me 4, Deadpool 3
2020, 21, 22, 23 & 24 seen list viewtopic.php?f=4&t=36971#p406224[/color]
Cinemas in order of preference: Lowry, Trafford Centre, Great Northern (AMC), Printworks, Didsbury
2011- 69 films seen
2012- nearly made it my total was 90 + 3 theatre, 1 concert
2013 - 107 + 4 concerts 2
2014 - 95 - almost there
2015 - 97 - almost there again
2016 - 95
2017 - 87
2018 - 66
2019 - 77
2020 - 17
2021 - 30
2022 - 70
2023 - 31
2024 - 12
Hopefully this year we will get more free Manchester screenings as they are rare as hen's teeth nowadays
Hoping to beat my 2023 total of 31
Want to see in 2024: Planet of the Apes, Quiet Place 3, Despicable me 4, Deadpool 3
2020, 21, 22, 23 & 24 seen list viewtopic.php?f=4&t=36971#p406224[/color]
Cinemas in order of preference: Lowry, Trafford Centre, Great Northern (AMC), Printworks, Didsbury
2011- 69 films seen
2012- nearly made it my total was 90 + 3 theatre, 1 concert
2013 - 107 + 4 concerts 2
2014 - 95 - almost there
2015 - 97 - almost there again
2016 - 95
2017 - 87
2018 - 66
2019 - 77
2020 - 17
2021 - 30
2022 - 70
2023 - 31
2024 - 12
- RickyRaj
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1163
- Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
- I haven't got tickets for: Any
- Location: London
Re: A Joke for Today
Guys take note:
If you are dating a girl who doesn't like Star Wars puns then you are looking for love in Alderaan places!
If you are dating a girl who doesn't like Star Wars puns then you are looking for love in Alderaan places!
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
- weirdfilms33
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1433
- Joined: Mon Aug 17, 2009 8:09 pm
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: Anything in central or South London
- Contact:
Re: A Joke for Today
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Go ahead, make my day - by visiting my blog: http://jacobthehobnob.wordpress.com/
Member number 33 of the "100 free films in 2012" club. I saw 32, which is rather delightful.. I beat Mr. Glass on free films but he narrowly inched me out on total films seen.
Member number 33 of the "100 free films in 2011" club. I saw 20, interestingly enough. My more realistic target was to see more free films than TheyCallMeMrGlass. I lost.
Member number 33 of the "100 free films in 2012" club. I saw 32, which is rather delightful.. I beat Mr. Glass on free films but he narrowly inched me out on total films seen.
Member number 33 of the "100 free films in 2011" club. I saw 20, interestingly enough. My more realistic target was to see more free films than TheyCallMeMrGlass. I lost.
- RickyRaj
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1163
- Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
- I haven't got tickets for: Any
- Location: London
Re: A Joke for Today
A bit crude but funny:
Has anyone heard of a film called 'Constipation'?
It's not come out yet!
Has anyone heard of a film called 'Constipation'?
It's not come out yet!
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
- RickyRaj
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1163
- Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
- I haven't got tickets for: Any
- Location: London
Re: A Joke for Today
An Indian man has been charged with punching his wife in the face...
Chinda Goodanpropa, from Bradford, denies the charges. The trial continues.
Chinda Goodanpropa, from Bradford, denies the charges. The trial continues.
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
The " Nile " virus is coming .....
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960 ....
Symptoms:
1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that!)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! (That too!)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (yep!)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha!)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that!)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh , no not again!)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that!)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (Oh No!)
It is called the "C-Nile Virus"
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960 ....
Symptoms:
1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that!)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! (That too!)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (yep!)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha!)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that!)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh , no not again!)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that!)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (Oh No!)
It is called the "C-Nile Virus"
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Love Story
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!