A Joke for Today
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Irish burial
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis', says Paddy.
'Hand me da shovel.'
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis', says Paddy.
'Hand me da shovel.'
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"
Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"
Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"
Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"
Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
-
- You Only Live Twice
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:25 am
- Old post count: 0
Re: A Joke for Today
Just heard that Cher has died... Oh... wait...
-
- You Only Live Twice
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:25 am
- Old post count: 0
Re: A Joke for Today
Argentina and Liverpool simultaneously declare new public holiday for April 8th
-
- You Only Live Twice
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:25 am
- Old post count: 0
Re: A Joke for Today
A border collie went to the Post Office, intending to send a telegram. He took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof... woof... woof... woof... woof... woof... woof... woof... woof..." and passed it to the lady behind the counter.
The lady examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."
The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"
The lady examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."
The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see.." Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see.." Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
How to Shower........I think you will like this
How to shower like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. ( I am currently trying to find where I can p*rchase this) Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the woo-woo'sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING !!
How to shower like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. ( I am currently trying to find where I can p*rchase this) Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the woo-woo'sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING !!
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
A man is walking home from the pub in the dark. He hears a woman's voice calling from some bushes:
"Hello dearie, fancy a good time?"
The man thinks ooh I've never been with a prostitute before and says yes.
Minutes later a policeman walks by and hearing a noise shines his torch on the two of them in the bushes.
"Oi - what are you doing!?" he shouts.
"I'm having sex with my wife" shouts the man.
"Oh, I didn't realise that was your wife" said the policeman.
"No, neither did I until you shone the torch on us" replied the man.
"Hello dearie, fancy a good time?"
The man thinks ooh I've never been with a prostitute before and says yes.
Minutes later a policeman walks by and hearing a noise shines his torch on the two of them in the bushes.
"Oi - what are you doing!?" he shouts.
"I'm having sex with my wife" shouts the man.
"Oh, I didn't realise that was your wife" said the policeman.
"No, neither did I until you shone the torch on us" replied the man.
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
40 years of marriage..
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful b**tards should remember fairies are
female.....
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful b**tards should remember fairies are
female.....
-
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year, and every year Bill would say," Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied," I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, " I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.. I'm impressed! "
Bill replied, " Well, to tell you t'truth, I almost said summat when Blanche fell out, but tha' knows, twenty quid is twenty quid! "
Blanche always replied," I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, " I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.. I'm impressed! "
Bill replied, " Well, to tell you t'truth, I almost said summat when Blanche fell out, but tha' knows, twenty quid is twenty quid! "