A Joke for Today

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steve9872
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Re: A Joke for Today

#661 Post by steve9872 » Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:27 pm

http://notalwaysright.com/technically-h ... rate/21435

(Two customers enter the electronics department.)

Me: “Can I help you two with anything?”

Customer: “Yeah, I dropped my phone in the toilet.”

Customer’s Friend: “No, you dropped it in the sink.”

Me: “Well, did you try putting it in a bag of rice?”

Customer: “No, I put it in the microwave.”

Me: “Sir, you aren’t supposed to put electronic devices in the microwave.”

Customer: “I realize that now…it exploded after ten seconds in the thing!”
Member number 13 of the 100 free films in 2019 club. o/
My more realistic target is 80 :tears:
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
29 seen 2018 :X
53 seen 2017 :nono:
61 seen 2016 :tears:
86 seen 2015 8-)
71 seen 2014 :tears:
90 seen 2013 8-)
77 seen 2012 8-)
69 seen 2011 8-)
60 seen 2010 8-)

Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)

SMH827

Re: A Joke for Today

#662 Post by SMH827 » Wed Jun 12, 2013 8:27 am

How do you make a pirate angry. Take the 'p' out of him.

One for the kids.

andrews
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Re: A Joke for Today

#663 Post by andrews » Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:44 am

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are


I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife


It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake


It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene


It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.


I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice


It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?


Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!


Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bu**er off.
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


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akh43
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Re: A Joke for Today

#664 Post by akh43 » Wed Jul 03, 2013 1:11 pm

From a friend on facebook

As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces “if I am going to die I want to die like a woman” She removes all her clothing and asks“is there someone on the plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says “here, iron this!”
Member 53 of the "100 free films in 2020" - 4 seen 96 to go :cross:

2020 I have tickets for: Queen & Slim, Richard Jewell, Military Wives :cross: for more films soon :cross:

2020 scores viewtopic.php?f=4&t=36971#p406224[/color]

Cinemas in order of preference: Trafford Centre, Lowry, Showcase, Great Northern (AMC), Printworks, Didsbury

2011- 69 films seen
2012- nearly made it my total was 90 + 3 theatre, 1 concert
2013 - 107 + 4 concerts 2
2014 - 95 - almost there
2015 - 97 - almost there again
2016 - 95
2017 - 87
2018 - 66
2019 - 77
http://www.fmuk.org.uk/forum/viewtopic. ... 87#p401805
2020 - 4

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RickyRaj
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I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#665 Post by RickyRaj » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:23 pm

Guys take note:

If you are dating a girl who doesn't like Star Wars puns then you are looking for love in Alderaan places! 8-)
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

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weirdfilms33
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Re: A Joke for Today

#666 Post by weirdfilms33 » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:33 pm

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Go ahead, make my day - by visiting my blog: http://jacobthehobnob.wordpress.com/

Member number 33 of the "100 free films in 2012" club. I saw 32, which is rather delightful.. I beat Mr. Glass on free films but he narrowly inched me out on total films seen.

Member number 33 of the "100 free films in 2011" club. I saw 20, interestingly enough. My more realistic target was to see more free films than TheyCallMeMrGlass. I lost.

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RickyRaj
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Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#667 Post by RickyRaj » Wed Jul 24, 2013 3:38 pm

A bit crude but funny:

Has anyone heard of a film called 'Constipation'?

It's not come out yet!
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

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RickyRaj
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Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#668 Post by RickyRaj » Tue Sep 10, 2013 3:11 pm

An Indian man has been charged with punching his wife in the face...
Chinda Goodanpropa, from Bradford, denies the charges. The trial continues.
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

andrews
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Re: A Joke for Today

#669 Post by andrews » Sun Oct 27, 2013 8:23 am

The " Nile " virus is coming .....



I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960 ....

Symptoms:

1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that!)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! (That too!)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (yep!)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha!)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that!)

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh , no not again!)

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that!)

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (Oh No!)

It is called the "C-Nile Virus"
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


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andrews
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Posts: 5628
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Re: A Joke for Today

#670 Post by andrews » Sun Oct 27, 2013 8:25 am

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


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