A Joke for Today

Chat about anything
Post Reply
Message
Author
andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#671 Post by andrews » Tue Oct 29, 2013 5:07 pm

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ..... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a gun opens up, and Luis drops. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees a ham bush...."




And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

PeachyLollipop
The Third Man
The Third Man
Posts: 186
Joined: Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:06 am
Old post count: 0
Preferred Cinemas: West End, Westfield Stratford city, Islington, Wood Green
Birthday

Re: A Joke for Today

#672 Post by PeachyLollipop » Tue Oct 29, 2013 5:14 pm

andrews wrote:Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ..... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a gun opens up, and Luis drops. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees a ham bush...."




And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

Hahah I definitely did the accent. And here's one along the same lines in return

A man goes into a department store, he's from Mexico, and he doesn't speak any English. He goes to the salesman to get some help, but the salesman doesn't know any Spanish. Being a good salesman, he tries his best to make it work.

"¿Donde están los calcetines?" the man asks, and the salesman says, "Um...are you looking for a shirt?" and he indicates his shirt, and the man shakes his head.

The salesman then directs the customer to the trousers section, "We have a very nice selection of trousers here, are these what you are looking for?" The man shakes his head again, no.

After looking at suits, coats and belts the salesman walks the customer through the under garments section. The customer stops and says

"¡Eso si que es!"

To which the salesman replies, "Well if you knew how to spell it why didn't you do so at the start?!"
Member No. 38 of the "100 free films in 2013" club. 47/100 Seen

Scores
2013 viewtopic.php?f=4&t=21969&p=268158#p268158
2014 viewtopic.php?f=4&t=26885&p=324444#p324444

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#673 Post by andrews » Wed Oct 30, 2013 1:51 pm

Since the snow came all my wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut..


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"!


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, p*y me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#674 Post by andrews » Thu Oct 31, 2013 8:33 am

On January 9th, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "HeyBaby....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#675 Post by andrews » Fri Dec 27, 2013 10:29 am

Subject: DIVORCE VS. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to b*y some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#676 Post by andrews » Fri Dec 27, 2013 10:31 am

Thoughts for the day





Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine ....

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't p*y your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

User avatar
RickyRaj
The Sixth Sense
The Sixth Sense
Posts: 1163
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
Old post count: 0
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#677 Post by RickyRaj » Fri Dec 27, 2013 10:56 am

Some good ones there Andrews. One from a cracker I opened over Christmas was:

Why did the skeleton cross the road?
.
.
.
To get to the body shop!! :bwl: :rofl2:
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#678 Post by andrews » Sun Dec 29, 2013 9:30 am

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was starting to get out, a truck came along too closely and
completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and
pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the
day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You
are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It
was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer ...................

"My Rolex!"
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#679 Post by andrews » Thu Jan 02, 2014 1:41 pm

MEDICAL COVER IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory..
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only p*y for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town..

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

User avatar
biggins
Se7en
Se7en
Posts: 2247
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:20 pm
Old post count: 66
Preferred Cinemas: Any in Edinburgh
Location: Edinburgh -66 posts on old site

Re: A Joke for Today

#680 Post by biggins » Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:30 pm

How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)...


In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder
and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
b*ght off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2020" club 1 seen 99 to go.
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2019" club 10 seen .
Member no. 23 of the "100 free film Club" 57 seen 2010.

Post Reply