A Joke for Today

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RickyRaj
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Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
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Re: A Joke for Today

#681 Post by RickyRaj » Fri Feb 07, 2014 3:25 pm

I went into the supermarket last night and a man threw a pint of milk, a block of cheese and a pot of yogurt at me! I thought ,'how dairy!'
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

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RickyRaj
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Posts: 1163
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
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Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#682 Post by RickyRaj » Fri Feb 07, 2014 3:39 pm

RickyRaj wrote:I went into the supermarket last night and a man threw a pint of milk, a block of cheese and a pot of yogurt at me! I thought ,'how dairy!'
I think he threw the yoghurt (with his good arm, the other arm was metallic/prosthetic) after trying to sell me the benefits of yoghurt, but I did not b*y any. He was obviously 'probiotic'!
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

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SOLACE
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Re: A Joke for Today

#683 Post by SOLACE » Fri Feb 07, 2014 8:48 pm

RickyRaj wrote:I went into the supermarket last night and a man threw a pint of milk, a block of cheese and a pot of yogurt at me! I thought ,'how dairy!'

That's quite funny RR :D o/ o/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ



Preferred Cinemas - Any Central London, Shepherds Bush, Kingston Upon Thames, Staines, Wandsworth, The O2, Greenwich, Harrow, Islington, High Wycombe.

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Re: A Joke for Today

#684 Post by benji111 » Sat Feb 08, 2014 10:10 am

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

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biggins
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Re: A Joke for Today

#685 Post by biggins » Sun Feb 09, 2014 2:42 pm

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.


"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used.


The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.


" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes" she said " He's got one hanging there"....


The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2020" club 1 seen 99 to go.
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Re: A Joke for Today

#686 Post by benji111 » Sat Feb 15, 2014 9:50 pm

Where do cows go on a first date? The mooovies

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biggins
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Re: A Joke for Today

#687 Post by biggins » Sun Feb 23, 2014 1:19 pm

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up... :rolleyes:
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2020" club 1 seen 99 to go.
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andrews
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Re: A Joke for Today

#688 Post by andrews » Sun Mar 02, 2014 7:54 am

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you **** all in here.
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andrews
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Re: A Joke for Today

#689 Post by andrews » Tue Mar 04, 2014 9:38 am

Elder Banking... PRICELESS!!


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.


The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to p*y my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


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RickyRaj
The Sixth Sense
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Posts: 1163
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
Old post count: 0
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#690 Post by RickyRaj » Tue Mar 04, 2014 1:58 pm

andrews wrote:Elder Banking... PRICELESS!!
Brilliant! o/ Might have to try that with my banks!
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

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