A Joke for Today

Chat about anything
Post Reply
Message
Author
andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#691 Post by andrews » Fri Mar 07, 2014 12:14 pm

An Italian boy's confession


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"...
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."



The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"


"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

User avatar
steve9872
SuperMember
SuperMember
Posts: 7033
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:43 pm
Old post count: 456
Location: Leeds - 456 posts on old site

Re: A Joke for Today

#692 Post by steve9872 » Fri Mar 07, 2014 1:07 pm

andrews wrote:An Italian boy's confession


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"'Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"...
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."



The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"


"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Thought I recognised it.
http://www.fmuk.org.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=93
Still good though.
Member number 13 of the 100 free films in 2019 club. o/
My more realistic target is 80 :tears:
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
29 seen 2018 :X
53 seen 2017 :nono:
61 seen 2016 :tears:
86 seen 2015 8-)
71 seen 2014 :tears:
90 seen 2013 8-)
77 seen 2012 8-)
69 seen 2011 8-)
60 seen 2010 8-)

Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#693 Post by andrews » Fri Mar 07, 2014 2:16 pm

You have some memory Steve, whereas, alas, mine appears to be failing. :D
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

User avatar
RickyRaj
The Sixth Sense
The Sixth Sense
Posts: 1163
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
Old post count: 0
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#694 Post by RickyRaj » Fri Mar 07, 2014 2:25 pm

andrews wrote:You have some memory Steve, whereas, alas, mine appears to be failing. :D
Don't worry Andrews, there is an audit trail on this site so we can remind of who we are and more importantly what you said :giggle:
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

User avatar
steve9872
SuperMember
SuperMember
Posts: 7033
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:43 pm
Old post count: 456
Location: Leeds - 456 posts on old site

Re: A Joke for Today

#695 Post by steve9872 » Fri Mar 07, 2014 2:52 pm

andrews wrote:You have some memory Steve, whereas, alas, mine appears to be failing. :D
The search facility helps but I originally thought i'd seen it only a few days ago.
Also an error in the link
http://www.fmuk.org.uk/forum/viewtopic. ... 93&p=11875
Member number 13 of the 100 free films in 2019 club. o/
My more realistic target is 80 :tears:
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
29 seen 2018 :X
53 seen 2017 :nono:
61 seen 2016 :tears:
86 seen 2015 8-)
71 seen 2014 :tears:
90 seen 2013 8-)
77 seen 2012 8-)
69 seen 2011 8-)
60 seen 2010 8-)

Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)

andrews
8 1/2
8 1/2
Posts: 5628
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
Old post count: 1939
Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
Location: Durham

Re: A Joke for Today

#696 Post by andrews » Tue Mar 11, 2014 11:19 am

Jim finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.


One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."


Jim got a horrified look on his face.


She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"


”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”


"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "I didn't know you'd been married before!"


”I haven't.”
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"


ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

User avatar
biggins
Se7en
Se7en
Posts: 2247
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:20 pm
Old post count: 66
Preferred Cinemas: Any in Edinburgh
Location: Edinburgh -66 posts on old site

Re: A Joke for Today

#697 Post by biggins » Sun Mar 16, 2014 8:13 am

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2020" club 1 seen 99 to go.
Member No. 23 of the "100 free films in 2019" club 10 seen .
Member no. 23 of the "100 free film Club" 57 seen 2010.

User avatar
steve9872
SuperMember
SuperMember
Posts: 7033
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:43 pm
Old post count: 456
Location: Leeds - 456 posts on old site

Re: A Joke for Today

#698 Post by steve9872 » Mon Apr 07, 2014 2:53 pm


Why Engineers Do Not Fit In Corporates
Member number 13 of the 100 free films in 2019 club. o/
My more realistic target is 80 :tears:
20 seen so far, Páid for 0
Movie list 2019
29 seen 2018 :X
53 seen 2017 :nono:
61 seen 2016 :tears:
86 seen 2015 8-)
71 seen 2014 :tears:
90 seen 2013 8-)
77 seen 2012 8-)
69 seen 2011 8-)
60 seen 2010 8-)

Looking forward to in 2019: (Jan) Glass (Feb) (mar) Captain Marvel, (apr) Avengers: Endgame ,(May) (jun) Dark Phoenix, MIB: International (Jul) (aug) The new mutants, (sep) (oct) (nov) Kingsman 3 (dec)

User avatar
yogi
Se7en
Se7en
Posts: 2055
Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 1:14 pm
Old post count: 0
Location: Manchester

Re: A Joke for Today

#699 Post by yogi » Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:59 pm

steve9872 wrote:
Why Engineers Do Not Fit In Corporates
This is too close to the truth, so whilst part of me finds it very funny, for part of me it brings up too many painful memories!! :wall: :D
Member No. 35 of the "100 free films in 2020" club 12 down 88 to go
(My ongoing target is to beat 2013's record 91)



2020: Little Women, Richard Jewell 8/5/10
2019: Wild Rose, Shazam!, Avengers, Eighth Grade, Shaun the Sheep, The Farewell 9/10
2018: Coco, Three Billboards, Missouri, Avengers, MI: Fallout, Quiet Place, Stan & Ollie - 9/10
2017: Paddington 2 10/10
2016: Sing Street, Hunt for the Wilderpeople, I, Daniel Blake, Sully 10/10
2015: Star Wars, Whiplash, Ex Machina, Minions - 9.5/10
2014: Pride, The Imitation Game 10/10
2013: Good Vibrations, Song for Marion, Alan Partridge, Captain Phillips - 9.5/10
2012: Muppets, Untouchable, Argo 10/10
2011: ROTPOTA, The Artist, Mi4 - 9.5/10
2010: Kick Ass, Toy Story 3 - 9.5/10
2009: Up 10/10


LOVE FMUK https://youtu.be/62YY4trpDEY

User avatar
RickyRaj
The Sixth Sense
The Sixth Sense
Posts: 1163
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:26 am
Old post count: 0
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Road, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Avenue, Odeon Panton Street, Holloway, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.
I haven't got tickets for: Any
Location: London

Re: A Joke for Today

#700 Post by RickyRaj » Wed Jun 11, 2014 2:38 pm

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast." :roll: :giggle: :bwl:
Preferred Cinemas: Vue West End, Cineworld Haymarket, Finchley Rd, Odeon West End, Odeon Leicester Square, Cineworld Shaftesbury Ave, Odeon Panton St, Holloway Rd, West India Quays or anywhere in central London.

Post Reply