A Joke for Today

[AYBG]

Sammy comes home from work and he says to Becky, "Becky, I can't do it any more. My arthritis is killing me - I can't work any more. You're gonna have to go out and work."
She says "Me work?! I've never worked a day in my life!"
"So what? Just be a whore."
"Be a whore? How do I do that?!"
"Well, just put your best dress on, your lipstick on, some nice make-up, fix up your hair, put on your best stockings, and say to every man you meet 'Hey buddy, you wanna good time?'"
So she says "Well, we need the money" and goes out.

3 and a half hours later she's back. And Sammy says "How'd you do?"
Becky is ripped to shreds. Her buttons are all pulled off, her bra is half-on half-off, her dress too. Her stockings are down by her ankles, her hair is all messed up and she says "Well, I made 800 pounds and 10 pence"
He says "10 pence?! Who on earth gave you 10 pence?!"
"Every one of them"

[BettyBoop]

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband.




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You know your boyfriend is in love with you when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.




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Her boyfriend is so stupid, when they were handing out brains he thought they said trains, so he asked for a slow one.




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Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.




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Men are like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to batter them, and a spade to bury them.

[andrews]

When Highlanders Get Bored With Their Sheep (not rude!)



http://link.brightcove.com/services/pla ... 7075685001

[BettyBoop]

CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss..

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even pa*d to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.


Repairmen refused to work in the house.


The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to p*rchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....

...... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[BettyBoop]

The Pharmacist's Monday
>>
>> Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
>> Tearfully she explained,
>>
>>
>>
>> "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I
>> had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
>>
>>
>>
>> Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
>> demand an apology.
>>
>>

>> Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
>>
>>
>>
>> "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.. This morning the alarm
>> failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
>> hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with
>> both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
>> was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
>>
>>
>>
>> "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
>> open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on the
>> se people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
>>
>>
>>
>> He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
>> register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor..I
>> had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
>> phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open
>> cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
>> of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
0A>>
>>
>>
>> "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
>> back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
>> rectal thermometer.
>>
>>
>>
>> And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her>>

[BettyBoop]

Subject: FW: NEW PANDEMIC!!!



I went to a dinner party last Saturday night, where I and other guests
enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke again this morning not
feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms;
headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested
positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating
condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others
diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs,
experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD
and take some Nurofen [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that
has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu]. Others are
reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can
be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further
application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original
dose has been shown to do the trick.

[MariaLionza]

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

[priamia]

http://www.welcometo21.com/2009/06/24/k ... t-account/

This is a video of a kid whose mum had just cancelled his World of Warcraft account. Check out his reaction.

[AYBG]

So.....very.....fake...

[BettyBoop]

lol......my sons a better actor than that when he wants his own way! lol