A Joke for Today

[andrews]

[andrews]

[andrews]

[jojojoanne]

i liked that!!

[McG]

What a smashing set of cartoons, andrews!

[ramaloo]

Woman: Excuse me, do you have a kitten for my little girl?
Assistant: Sorry, madam, we don't do swaps.
Woman: I mean, have you got any kittens going cheap?
Assistant: Certainly not! They all go miaow!

[ramaloo]

[ramaloo]

[Doris]

After a recent meeting of the commitee a number of standard regulations have been agreed to ensure Christmas remains enjoyable, traditional yet safe. Please see below for the regulations agreed and effective for Christmas 2011 as of today....

NEW CHRISTMAS REGULATIONS

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - HEALTH & SAFETY

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health &
Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks
without appropriate seating arrangements being provided.
Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be
available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to
inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV
cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her
Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses
capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
Glory lighting.

LITTLE DONKEY
> > > Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
> > > Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.
> > >
> > > The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy
> > > a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also
> > > in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one
> > > rest break in a four-hour plodding period.
> > > Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and
> > > Joseph are required to wear facemasks.
> > > The 'Little Donkey' has expressed his discomfort as being
> > > labelled 'Little' and would prefer to being simply referred to
> > > as 'Mr Donkey'.
> > > Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a
> > > breach of his equine rights.
> > >
> > > WE THREE KINGS
> > > We three Kings of Orient are,
> > > Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
> > > Field and fountain,
> > > Moor and Mountain,
> > > Following yonder star.
> > >
> > > Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable - as it
> > > may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such
> > > as 'Cash4Gold' etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not
> > > appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing
> > > allergic reactions.
> > > An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher.
> > > It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star
> > > navigation, and would advise the use of AA RouteFinder or Sat
> > > Nav.
> > > Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption.
> > > As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular
> > > rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are
> > > obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by
> > > the camel hooves.
> > >
> > > THE ROCKING CAROL
> > > Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
> > > We will lend a coat of fur,
> > > We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
> > > We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
> > >
> > > Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the
> > > risk of allergy and for ethical reasons.
> > > Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps,
> > > micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives.
> > > Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a
> > > Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance
> > > will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus.
> > > Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be
> > > prepared to provide three forms of identification before any
> > > rocking commences.
> > >
> > > JINGLE BELLS
> > > Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
> > > Over fields we go - laughing all the way.
> > >
> > > A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is
> > > considered safe for members of the public to ride.
> > > The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on
> > > only one horse in appropriate - particularly if passengers are
> > > of larger proportions.
> > > Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any
> > > 'Open Fields'.
> > > To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it
> > > is required that only 'moderate' laughter is used and not at a
> > > noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.
> > >
> > > RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
> > > Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
> > > And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
> > > All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
> > > They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
> > >
> > > You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it
> > > is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness
> > > of Mr. R. Reindeer.
> > > Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further
> > > to this, the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer
> > > games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action
> > > will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence.
> > > A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing
> > > sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying
> > > Christmas dinner.
> > >
> > >
> > > AWAY IN A MANGER
> > > Away in a manger - no crib for a bed...
> > >
> > > Refer to Social Services immediately!
>

[biggins]