A Joke for Today

[thibaud7]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' (Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days)

Absolutely brilliant... I almost want to run to Boots now and check it.

Put a smile on my face!

[anakin]

Aw, glad to have done that! Not sure how I feel about used bottom thermometers though...

[andrews]

Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[sailorlady]

Guy takes his goldfish to the vets. 'I think my goldfish is epileptic' he tells the vet. The vet looks at the fish swimming peacefully and says 'he looks quite calm to me, sir' , and the man says 'you haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!'

[jmd1983]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and giblets!"

[andrews]

A very naughty joke for those of you who like naughty jokes!



A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you p*y $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta p*y first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I pa*d my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!

You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,

"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[andrews]

Not a joke - but I didn't know where to post it.

This is really cute - tell it to sneeze and see what he does.

I have no idea how they do this:

TYPE IN a command and see what happens...like sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead, etc. and... it's also very cute if you type in a command that's not recognised...!!

Make sure you type in 'Kiss' too, but do it last.

Click here: I Do Dog http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

[Beate]

LOL - jump and bark work as well.

[andrews]

Do you need a laugh??

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Wal-Mart and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to b*y a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there....
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen (shtopemfloppin)

[andrews]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will p*y for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
(I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying **** YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.