A Joke for Today

[a_person]

But why do most women like George Clooney? I don't see what's so great about him! What am I missing out on?

[andrews]

Teacher: When was Rome built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
Pupil: Because my Dad always says that Rome wasn't built in a day!

[MariaLionza]

"Pearls of Wisdom"
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Beate]

101 uses for a man, from the Times!

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_a ... 669807.ece

[andrews]

101 uses for a man, from the Times!

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_a ... 669807.ece

I enjoyed these Beate - a few apply to the men in my house! But a few apply to me as well - I expect we're all guilty of a few. Among my favourites are:

Looking nice in a dinner suit. Every man has an inner James Bond.
Removing dead mice from the house.(garage in our case)
Catching man-flu.
Eating full-size Mars bars (just jealous)

[andrews]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[BettyBoop]

BIT NAUGHTY BUT HERE GOES:

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.

This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel"

[BettyBoop]

Chicken Surprise


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.


The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.


'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.


Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.


'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'


The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)





'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

[andrews]

Memories

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

[BettyBoop]

Subject: FW: Babies

>
> *Making a baby. This is hilarious!*
> *
> There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!** *
> *
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
> to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
> now. The man should be here soon.' **
> **
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
> Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' **
> **
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
> expecting you.'** **
> **
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
> know babies are my specialty?' **
> **
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
> seat'.** **
> **
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' **
> **
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' **
> **
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
> me!' **
> **
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' **
> **
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith** **
> **
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
> and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' **
> **
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.*
> *
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
> baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. **
> **
> 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. **
> **
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
> mother was so difficult to work with.' **
> **
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith *
> *
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
> good look' **
> **
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement. **
> **
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
> Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
> to pack it all in.' **
> **
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your
> uh...equipment? ' **
> **
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
> and we can get to work right away.' **
> **
> 'Tripod?'*
> *
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big to be held in the hand very long.' *
> *Mrs.** Smith fainted*