B & Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,Iwouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
A Joke for Today
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Beate
- The Modfather (& Three-Time Prediction Master!)
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Re: A Joke for Today
Member No. 1 of the "100 free films in 2020" club. 7 seen 
Member No. 1 of the "100 free films in 2009 - 2019" clubs. 826 seen 
Member No. 1 of the "104 free previews in 2008" club. 92 seen -
AYBG
- ASA NISI MASA
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Re: A Joke for Today
Huh, that sounds familiar...
http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_172-28 ... -Form.html
Still kinda funny, though I wish they'd stop pretending these things are real...
http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_172-28 ... -Form.html
Still kinda funny, though I wish they'd stop pretending these things are real...
Top 50 Poster!
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andrews
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Re: A Joke for Today
The Storm
They were together in the house.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...
and wished that he would take her in his arms,
comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out...
She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand...
So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera......
[spoiler]
[/spoiler]
They were together in the house.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...
and wished that he would take her in his arms,
comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out...
She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand...
So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera......
[spoiler]
[/spoiler]Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"
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andre6ft2
- You Only Live Twice
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Re: A Joke for Today
i like that first joke Andrews
The past is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift that why it is called the present!!
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andrews
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Re: A Joke for Today
A burglar breaks into a house and after a few minutes hears someone say "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar looks around, but can't see anyone.
Then he hears it again "Jesus is watching you."
He follows the sound of the voice and see a lovely parrot in the corner of the room.
He says what a beautiful parrot. “What’s your name?”
The Parrot replies "Clarence."
The burglar says "What idiot chose that name?"
The Parrot says "The same idiot that called the Rottweiler Jesus."
The burglar looks around, but can't see anyone.
Then he hears it again "Jesus is watching you."
He follows the sound of the voice and see a lovely parrot in the corner of the room.
He says what a beautiful parrot. “What’s your name?”
The Parrot replies "Clarence."
The burglar says "What idiot chose that name?"
The Parrot says "The same idiot that called the Rottweiler Jesus."
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"
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rhinowhite
- Air Force One
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Re: A Joke for Today
Bloke walks into an Irish bar, Orders a drink and says to the barman "Do you want to hear a joke about a Padd`y." Silence falls and the man next to him says, "Before you say anything, the bloke behind the bar is a Irish bare knuckle boxing champion, The bloke on the door is the Irish arm wrestling champion and I`m a 6ft 4 Irish karate black belt plus my mate her is an Irish wrestler. Do you still want to tell your joke." "Nah" says the bloke "Not if ive got to explain it four f***ing times!"
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andrews
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Re: A Joke for Today
This is weird. Give it a try. If you stare at this picture long enough you should be able to see a giraffe.
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"
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a_person
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Re: A Joke for Today
That link is almost identical!!!!AYBG wrote:Huh, that sounds familiar...
http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_172-28 ... -Form.html
Still kinda funny, though I wish they'd stop pretending these things are real...
I agree, wish they'd stop pretending too!
Member No. 2 of the "100 free films in 2015" club. 3 seen, 97 to go!
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays
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a_person
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Re: A Joke for Today
I don't understand what the joke is.AYBG wrote:Apologies for this...
Please explain.
Member No. 2 of the "100 free films in 2015" club. 3 seen, 97 to go!
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays