A Joke for Today

[a_person]

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

[andrews]

I may have posted this one on the original site. If I have, please forgive me, and be thankful that you have an excellent memory!

This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed in to the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked-in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[andrews]

[tufty]

Loving Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man

engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"?

WOMAN:"Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN:"I am at the shopping centre

and found this

beautiful leather coat.

It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I b*y it?"

MAN:"Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:"I also stopped by the

Mercedes dealership and saw the new

2009 models.

I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN:" $ 70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it

with all the options."

WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing ...

The house I wanted last year is back on

the market.

They're asking $ 950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them

an offer of 900,000.

They will probably take it. If not, we can

go the extra 50 thousand.

It really is a pretty good price.."

WOMAN:"OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the changing room

are staring at him in astonishment,

mouths agape..... He smiles and asks:

"Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

[f3lix]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream...then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out-stretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?

[BettyBoop]

Why we love children?


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS
On his first day at school, a little one handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an infant school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old... Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a policeman?” “Yes”, I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his dinner jacket, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along in front of his church, our vicar heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes..' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[andrews]

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can b*y cigarettes at the front?

Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

[andrews]

A man in Tesco's tries to b*y half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some prat out there wants to b*y half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to b*y the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and footballers up there.'

Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who is she playing for?'

[tufty]

Your test results are through!


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking.."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only p*y for these
expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"The folks at the health care recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."

[BettyBoop]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date
> with Peggy Sue.
>
> He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
>
> 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
>
> 'Have a seat in the living room.
> Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
>
> 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
>
> Mom brought the iced tea.
>
> 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
>
> 'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
> malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
>
> 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
>
> 'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
>
> 'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends,
> that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!'
>
> 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
>
> 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we
> let her!'
>
> 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
> alternate plans for the evening.
>
> A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
> wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a
> bouncy ponytail.
>
> She greeted Fred.
>
> 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
>
> Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and
> slammed the front door behind her.
>
> 'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
>
> 'The dance is called the Twist!!!'