Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
A Joke for Today
-
Sunny Saver
- Se7en
- Posts: 4186
- Joined: Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:24 am
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: Islington Vue, Holloway, Central London
Re: A Joke for Today
(Why I Am now Divorced)
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
Member No. 54 of the 100 free films in 2015
Hoping to see more films in 2015!
26 films seen in 2014
93 films seen in 2012
98 films seen in 2011
90 films seen in 2010
Hoping to see more films in 2015!
26 films seen in 2014
93 films seen in 2012
98 films seen in 2011
90 films seen in 2010
Re: A Joke for Today
Elder Banking... PRICELESS!!
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to p*y my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember:
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to p*y my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember:
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
-
funthing29
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 9753
- Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:30 pm
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: Swiss Cottage, Finchley Road, Hampstead, Belsize Park, West End, Islington, Holloway, Whiteleys, Shepherd's Bush, North Finchley, Hackney, Stratford, 02 + (last resort) Watford & Hatfield
- Location: London
Re: A Joke for Today
Swearing At Work
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f____ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson - Chairman of Digital Equipment Corporation, speaking in 1977
Member No. 29 of the "100 free films in 2016" club: 62 seen; 38 to go (40 theatre/shows seen)
70 free films seen in 2015 + 85 theatre/shows
84 free films seen in 2014 (81 different films, 3 repeat viewings) + 119 theatre/shows
126 free films seen in 2013 (121 different films, 5 repeat viewings
121 free films seen in 2012 (115 different films, 6 repeat viewings)
129 free films seen in 2011 (117 different films, 12 repeat viewings)
Ken Olson - Chairman of Digital Equipment Corporation, speaking in 1977
Member No. 29 of the "100 free films in 2016" club: 62 seen; 38 to go (40 theatre/shows seen)
70 free films seen in 2015 + 85 theatre/shows
84 free films seen in 2014 (81 different films, 3 repeat viewings) + 119 theatre/shows
126 free films seen in 2013 (121 different films, 5 repeat viewings
121 free films seen in 2012 (115 different films, 6 repeat viewings)
129 free films seen in 2011 (117 different films, 12 repeat viewings)
-
a_person
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 8542
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:13 pm
- Old post count: 90
- Preferred Cinemas: West India Quays,Cineworld Greenwich, Vue Stratford Westfield then Central London.
- Location: London
Re: A Joke for Today
Very useful, especially for me!
Best ones have to be:
funthing29 wrote:
10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
Last edited by a_person on Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Member No. 2 of the "100 free films in 2015" club. 3 seen, 97 to go!
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays
Realistic target: 5
Preferred cinema list:
1) Cineworld: West India Quays or Greenwich, 02, Vue Westfield - Stratford City or Picturehouse Stratford
2) Picturehouse Greenwich
3) Any central London cinema including Islington (excluding Shepherd's Bush, and Whiteleys unless it's some super duper cool film)
4) Odeon Greenwich or Odeon Surrey Quays
-
andrews
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
A man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
[spoiler]"You've built a Golf Course?"[/spoiler]
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
[spoiler]"You've built a Golf Course?"[/spoiler]
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"
-
claire
- The Sixth Sense
- Posts: 1928
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2010 6:48 pm
- Old post count: 0
- Preferred Cinemas: westfieldlondon /shepherds bush / hammersmith/ wandsworth/whitleys/ west end / wimbledon
- Location: West london
Re: A Joke for Today
A four year old boy walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the lady "why is your stomach so big?"
she replied "I'm having a baby "
With big eyes he asked "is the baby in your stomach?".
She said "he sure is".
Then the little boy asked, with a puzzled look on his face "is it a good baby?"
She said "oh yes! It's a really good baby".
With an even more shocked and surprised look in his face he then asked. ... " why did u eat him then?"
she replied "I'm having a baby "
With big eyes he asked "is the baby in your stomach?".
She said "he sure is".
Then the little boy asked, with a puzzled look on his face "is it a good baby?"
She said "oh yes! It's a really good baby".
With an even more shocked and surprised look in his face he then asked. ... " why did u eat him then?"
Member 58 of the "100 free films in 2013" club
64seen 36 to go
member No.58 of the "100 free films in 2012" club
57 seen
Member No. 64 of the "100 free films in 2011" club.
64seen 36 to go
member No.58 of the "100 free films in 2012" club
57 seen
Member No. 64 of the "100 free films in 2011" club.
-
andrews
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando , Florida , finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.
So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for.
She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear,
"Can I p*y in Euros?"
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.
So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for.
She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear,
"Can I p*y in Euros?"
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"
-
andrews
- 8 1/2
- Posts: 5628
- Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:36 pm
- Old post count: 1939
- Preferred Cinemas: In order of preference: MetroCentre-Gateshead, Boldon, Gateshead Trinity Square, Newcastle, Middlesbrough, and Tyneside Cinema
- Location: Durham
Re: A Joke for Today
Granny's New Boyfriends
I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Earl Grey.
What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer;
Or whatever his name is. I forget !
And I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam, or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.
Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only,
Learn to laugh at yourself, and 'count your blessings'!!!
I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Earl Grey.
What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer;
Or whatever his name is. I forget !
And I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam, or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.
Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only,
Learn to laugh at yourself, and 'count your blessings'!!!
Member Number 3 of the "100 Free Films in 2018 Club"