Last night was certainly a long one. I hung around near and on the blue carpet, taking photos of the “stars” and attempted (unsuccessfully, they started it just past 20.00) to avoid the Linkin Park concert footage from the Russian premiere last week, which was meant to be on at 19.30. We entered the auditorium at 19.50 and took our seats for the film which was meant to start at 20.00. About 40 minutes later Bay is finally introduced and proceeds to tell some rubbish anecdotes. He then introduces Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who begins by saying she’s not good at public speaking. Well, love, you’re not good at acting either.
I grew up on Transformers in the early 80s. The animated movie was one of my most favourite things ever. I have always been turned off by the Bay-ified Transformers. I hate their look and the focus on the humans. So I haven’t seen either of the first two. However, I was willing to go into this with an open mind. I wanted it to not be shit. Not because I can stand Michael Bay in the slightest, but because I really didn’t want him taking a third steaming dump on my beloved Transformers.
So what does he do right? I did like the use of the tradition voices for several of the roles, especially the use of Leonard Nimoy as Sentinel Prime, as he voiced Galvatron in the animated feature. A lot of the visuals were quite spectacular and Chicago is destroyed with gusto. The 3D is far better than anything else I’ve seen it used in, if only for the fact this remains a bright film. I don’t know if it was because it was at the IMAX or is down to the measure taken to ensure a brighter print (
http://www.firstshowing.net/2011/michae ... -to-go-3d/) but this was the first time I’ve not been distracted from the darkness of a 3D film, so kudos for that. As for the actual usage, it definitely adds to the film here and there. It’s nothing mind-blowing, but at times it is interesting. Still, if this is the best 3D can do, they really need to stop charging extra for it. If they want to use it as an anti-piracy tool and as added incentive to get people out to the cinemas, then fine. Otherwise, I think the backlash will continue. As for the story, the structure itself isn’t bad. The way it’s delivered, however, is. Quite bad.
As for the bad, well... The film wastes no time in taking a shot at Megan Fox. It’s not the last of the cutesy *wink* jokes, such as a literal appearance of Spock. Then there’s Fox’s replacement, Rosie H-W who is leered at by every male character she comes across. Subtlety is not in Michael Bay’s vocabulary. Her performance is truly award worthy, if the award is for lengthiest cinematic performance carrying the same facial expression. She can manage everything from the difficult pout/blank stare combo to the ever challenging pout/blink package. It’s a performance for the ages. I think there may have been some hints at a feature film for her character, as somehow the character manages to survive being kidnapped, threatened, plunging down the side of a building, through the windows, sliding down across the building and somehow manages to come out of it looking totally pristine. Not a hair out of place, not the slightest scratch or limp, both her heels and, in fact, shoes intact. Even her white top manages to stay dirt free despite all the carnage she goes through. Clearly, she is the British answer to Wonder Woman and Superman all in one. It’s utter bollocks.
The second thing that really bothered me was the pacing. This flick totally plods along and spends so much time on the humans. Even given that, it still isn’t clear exactly what is meant to be so special between Shia’s Sam and Rosie’s Carly. There is zero chemistry and it seems the audience is to accept that because she’s hot, of course Sam would risk his life for her. The other problem with the pacing is the extended periods of time where the Autobots and/or Optimus are just non-existant. There are a couple instances where the Decepticons are running roughshod over the humans and the Autobots are nowhere to be found. That’d almost be fine if it were explained in the story, yet even the one time when it is, I was left thinking “surely it couldn’t take them that long to cut him down, c’mon”.
My third complaint is the depiction of the Decepticons. For the most part, they’re nothing more than cannon fodder. Megatron is barely in this and at one point forgotten about altogether. Laserbeak is far too prominent and, why the hell can he transform into everything and anything? Soundwave had the original voice which of course I liked, but as a car? The original Generation 1 Decepticons were not cars, which helped to distinguish them. That later changed but still, couldn’t they have found something more distinctive? This complaint applies to all the Decepticons, really. They’re more or less these massive grey beasts with no identities. There’s no reason to care about what happens to them or anyway of really keeping track. Shockwave was pretty cool (but couldn’t they have tinted his metal purple at least) but I have no idea what that giant mecha-worm thing he controls is about. I was a huge fan of the Decepticons as a child and this film just does them no justice. Shockwave is the only one who really seems formidable. For a film that’s 150 minutes long, that’s pretty unforgivable.
Now a few plot points that make zero sense. [spoiler]1. If Sentinel Prime is going to betray the Autobots, why wouldn’t he take the matrix of leadership when offered it by Optimus? Now I don’t know what significance the matrix has been given in Bay’s Transformer universe, but surely it couldn’t hurt Sentinel’s chances by accepting it.
2. How exactly does Dylan reactivate the control pillar when it was well established that only Sentinel could operate them? What the f**k was that?
3. So wait, the plan is to bring Cybertron to earth? As in next to it? On top of it? Replace earth with it? How is that supposed to work? How were they going to transport their billions of human slaves to it?[/spoiler]
In closing, I’ll say this: As much as I love the original Transformers, the problem is it’s all bloody stupid to begin with. None of it makes any sense. I don’t know if it’s fair to expect anyone short of maybe Chris Nolan to find a sensible way of pulling this shit off. And if anyone was going to do it, it certainly wasn’t going to be Michael f**king Bay. So Bay has come to do what he does best, make a film with lots of explosions and other eye catching effects and he mostly succeeds. However, I’m not sure his target audience of children and early teens will really be up for the 150 minutes of bullshit these scenes are wrapped in. There dialogue is often crummy and it just goes too slowly. I did enjoy the final showdown though, as it had a lot of what the rest of the battles lacked: established and distinguishable characters having an easy to follow battle.
There are some fun moments in this but hardly enough to justify such a bloated run-time. And yes, it is one small step for 3D… so there’s that, I suppose. 5.5/10 for me, just because I didn’t hate it as much as I reasonably should have.
lol
