A Joke for Today

[evilzadi]

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there.I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it.

Sounds more like me

[claire]

Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one

[andrews]

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than a box of nails. It means someone stole the tent.'

[ramaloo]

This is true story.
A very good friend of mine was going to visit me in London.
The first thing I thought about was what my hair looked like? I said to myself: you live in a world’s most famous capital. The City of style and fashion and whatever you have on your head doesn’t reflect that. You look more like somebody who has just finished milking a cow and was about to feed chickens.
She can’t see me like that – I thought and decided to go for a hair cut.
The place I had chosen looked nice and clean so I decided to take a chance. I explained to the guy how I would like my hair cut in detail.
He said very well and started to cut – probably for the first time in his life.
My bad. After the first cut I knew I should run away but I didn't.
Now I look like a very old broom used one too many times.
I met my friend this afternoon. We had a very nice time in a very nice Italian restaurant but after a few sneak picks she couldn't hold it any longer and asked: Did you have an argument with a lawn mower?

[ramaloo]

Has anyone experienced something like that?

[raj101]

Gazunti.

[claire]

Paddy is stopped by
customs at the airport, carrying two large bulky sacks over his shoulder. They search the sacks & find loads of Mobile phones in them. They ask why does he have all these phones & Paddy replies: "Well, oi was on me travels in Americky & got a call from me mate murphy in cork, he told me he's starting up a jazz band & asked could I bring him back 2 saxophones".

[claire]

2 whales overturn a ship using their blow holes. Shall we eat the crew? asked mr whale. absolutely not! said mrs whale.
I do blow jobs but i dont swallow seamen!

[McG]

2 whales overturn a ship using their blow holes. Shall we eat the crew? asked mr whale. absolutely not! said mrs whale.
I do blow jobs but i dont swallow seamen!

[andrews]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!


MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT @RSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

B@ST@RD ASKED..


'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'