A Joke for Today

[evilzadi]

[evilzadi]

I had a friend once...
[spoiler]...Then the rope broke and she got away.[/spoiler]

[evilzadi]

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic
first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries
they received.

I thought that I could love no other
until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so
is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

[McG]

I love them, ez! I must make sure to hold on to them for a suitable occasion

[andrews]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't p*y your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

[andrews]

Last night, I was sitting in the living room with my husband. I turned and said to him: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So he got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

[McG]

Last night, I was sitting in the living room with my husband. I turned and said to him: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So he got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

[anakin]

Last night, I was sitting in the living room with my husband. I turned and said to him: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So he got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

AMAZING!

[andrews]

2011's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Mussleburgh fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Leith reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Edinburgh man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Edinburgh man replied, 'These are Carols.'




And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[claire]

Lmao. Just listening to the radio and heard my bosses name in the compare the meerkat advert. Apparently she is shopping in the isle of the supermarket for dog food for dinner. 

We r in hysterics in the office. It Is her!! Every time it tell her to do something like order her meerkat teddy it changes.