A Joke for Today

[claire]

My mate just rang me in tears.
His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!
Poor lad.
No woman, no sky!

[jcolombi]

What concert costs 45cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

[Octopus]

Ohmygod this is a really good one!

[claire]

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked the assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any. So I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.""You idiot
.... You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" said the pharmacist." "Of course you can!" replied the assistant, "look at him, he's too scared to cough now.

[andrews]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

“O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

[claire]

Arriving at the gates of heaven God greeted Frank Carson.
God invites Frank to take bread with him. Frank said 'Lord, I don't wish to complain but, I think this bread is stale? God said, it's not bread Frank, 'it's a Cracker'!

[havingascreen]

Arriving at the gates of heaven God greeted Frank Carson.
God invites Frank to take bread with him. Frank said 'Lord, I don't wish to complain but, I think this bread is stale? God said, it's not bread Frank, 'it's a Cracker'!

so it is, it's a bloody cracker

[biggins]

The Irish Bic Lighter

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the
Irish shoreline when Bob
Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had
No matches,he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'
Ralph replied with an Irish
Accent, and then reaching into his tackle
Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob,taking
The huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph,
'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle
Box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and
Sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie,Bob says,
'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of
Your master. Will you grant me
One wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a
Million bucks. The Genie disappears
Back into the tackle box leaving
Bob sitting there waiting for his million
Bucks. Shortly,the Irish sky
Darkens and is filled with the sound of
A million ducks.....
Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks
Bob yells at Ralph,
'What the hell? I asked for a million
Bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers,
'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie
Is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink
I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[claire]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance
just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.*

[claire]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says one of the Irishmen.
"One of the girls must have died