A Joke for Today

[claire]

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
 
 His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
 
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 
 "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 
 "Here boy" he replies.

[claire]

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
 feet.
 
 "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
 
 "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
 
 "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
 
 "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't  breathe".
 

[claire]

Irish Coffee
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his advice in  reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even
take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him
an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra
tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it...
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants
a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me
cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was
a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you
mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in
25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be
able to show me face in Starbucks again

[claire]

FBI Job
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were
3 finalists; two men and a woman. 
 

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and
handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious.
I could never shoot my wife.' The agent
said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

 

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes,
'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,
'You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife home.'

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes,
all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman,
wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is
loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[claire]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple

[claire]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
 
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
 
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
 
My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?' 
 
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
 
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
 
She says, 'He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun

[claire]

Irish 'Ghost' Story This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and
even
though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!! John
Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a dark and very stormy night. The night rolled on and
no
car came by. The storm was so wild he could hardly see a few feet
ahead of
him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking, got into the car and
slammed
the door. Then he realised there was nobody behind the wheel and the
engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly, John looked at the
road
ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for
his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through
the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched the
hand, but it never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw
the
lights of a pub appear down the road, so he jumped out of the car and
ran.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and told everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when
everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.  Suddenly, the
door
opened, and two people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They,

like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and
seeing
John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...    "Look
Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing

it!!!!"

[McG]

I love it, ansbro81 !

[claire]

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman 

Young Paddy b*ght a donkey from a farmer for £100.

 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

 

The next day he drove up and said:

'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied:

'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said:

'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

 

Paddy said:

'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked:

'What are you going to do with him?'

 

Paddy said:

'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said:

'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

 

Paddy said:

'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked:

'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said:

'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said:

'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said:

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

[claire]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the
 table next to him.
 He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant, so he decides to   have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
 He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto
 
'To Fly. To Serve'.
 
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
 
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
 
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
 
'Going beyond expectations'.
 
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
 'What the F * ck do you want?'

 
'Ah!' he says
 
"Ryanair".