A Joke for Today

[jcolombi]

Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things: Sequels, and reincarnation.

Basically, he thinks he'll be Bourne again.

[andrews]

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[MariaLionza]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:



"I am not available right now, but



Thank you for caring enough to call.



I am making some changes in my life.



Please leave a message after the



Beep. If I do not return your call,



You are one of the changes."



**************************************************







A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."



Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."



**************************************************







What is the definition of Mistress?



Someone between the Mister and Mattress.



**************************************************







What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*



Stress is when wife is pregnant,*



Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*



And Panic is when both are pregnant.*



**************************************************







A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,



"Are all these kids yours?"*



The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these



Are customer complaints".



**************************************************







A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*



Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.



Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."



**************************************************







Nominated as the best short joke this year...



A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.



Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"



"Not yet," she replied.

[claire]

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can't believe the currant exchange rate!

[claire]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[andrews]

Tommy Cooper jokes

Two blondes walk into a building............you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to b*y marijuana, press the hash key...'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts..'

I went to b*y some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuckup my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
night.

[claire]

You see a £97 shirt, but you don't have any money. You decide borrow £50 from your Mum and £50 from your Dad, which equals £100. You b*y the shirt, and you have £3 change, so you give your Mum £1, your Dad £1 and keep £1 for yourself. So you owe your Mum £49 and your Dad £49, which equals £98, and your £1 added to that equals £99. What happened to the other £1?

[steve9872]

Answer is logical error at the end. Its a mathematical c*ck up. You should never have to think in such a stupid way. What you owe your parents is a separate calculation.

You borrowed £100
You p*y back £2
You now owe £98
You now possess £1 and a shirt costing £97 which equals what you owe.
End of!!

[Preston1990]

[biggins]

Apple does it again!


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music!

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because for generations women have been complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.