A Joke for Today

[TheyCallMeMrGlass]

[andrews]

[TheyCallMeMrGlass]

An engineer speaks on Christmas...

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But it is estimated that there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second,.each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[andrews]

[TheyCallMeMrGlass]

[anakin]

UNIVERSAL LAWS

 Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach..

 Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

 Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[andrews]

[biggins]

What did Christmas mean to you?
Here are some examples.
Cheers,


The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: What a Friend We Have In Jesus, then we all go to the Bahamas ."

[TheyCallMeMrGlass]

[TheyCallMeMrGlass]

I posted this elsewhere but damn, this one's good!