A Joke for Today

[Marcia Queen]

Humour. It's Great for The Soul!!!!!

Those "I" things
For my son's Birthday, we b*ght him an iPod.
For my daughter, she got an iPhone

and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad.

Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon -

and then the fight started....

[BettyBoop]

Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be £36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[biggins]

Two elderly women were having lunch together,

And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, I'm thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[andrews]

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

"It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman,

"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotelshows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied,

"But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to p*y, wrote a check, and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."

[Doris]

This is a great site, 2 of my favourites, saw this a couple of years ago, but brought Missy back into my mind as my cat went missing:

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

This is for real, as I believe.

[biggins]

Pervert Phone Call ..

The phone rings, and the woman answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"


Woman replies,

"Yes, he's watching TV -
who shall I say is calling?"

[akh43]

This is a great site, 2 of my favourites, saw this a couple of years ago, but brought Missy back into my mind as my cat went missing:

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

This is for real, as I believe.

[McG]

Good one, biggins!

[andrews]

I'm enjoying all these jokes - we could produce a joke book here!

[andrews]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked .... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.