A Joke for Today

[destresserai]

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over a candlestick.
But Jack wasn't so nimble,
And Jack tripped,
Now Jack's stuck in bed with a burnt......


(As recited to me by my 15 year old son last night!!)

[AYBG]

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

[destresserai]

Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know
his wife until he marries her”

Dad: That happens in every country, son

[andrews]

Better Grades

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

[BettyBoop]

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the
> summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started
> canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
>
> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
> he had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How
> much will you charge me?'
>
> Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man
> agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would
> need was in the garage.
>
> The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does
> she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
>
> He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
>
> The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
> those dumb blonde jokes
> we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
>
> Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
> 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
>
> 'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave
> it two coats.'
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 an
> d handed
> it to her along with a ten-dollar tip.
>
> 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus

[BettyBoop]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32..62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to p*y for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[BettyBoop]

BEST EVER BLOND JOKE?

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blond says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle...

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .




(scroll down)














'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[destresserai]

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up

[destresserai]

There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl.

Then the baby boy goes "I'm a boy, you are a girl!"

Then the girl goes "How do you know?"

Then the little boy goes "I'll show you when the nurse leaves."

So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes.........


"See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink!

[destresserai]

A cheating painting contractor has been skimping by thinning his paint excessively. Nevertheless, he lands a big job painting a church. He's almost done when a major storm comes up. It washes all the paint off. Midst the thunder and lightening, a loud voice is heard, REPAINT, and REPAINT, THIN NO MORE!