A Joke for Today

[andrews]

Girlie Wisdom


Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they put them.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pill..... she has 14 kids but doesn't care.

One of lifes mysteries is how a 2lb box of chocolates can make a women gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders it leaves completely!

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The best part of living in a small town is when you don't know what you are meant to be doing someone else does.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have become the best of friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my knickers on fire.

Amazing, you hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes.

Skinny people irritate me when they say 'I forget to eat'....Now I've forgotten my address, my mothers maiden name and my keys but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

The trouble with women is they get all excited about nothing, then they marry him!

I read an article that said the typical signs of stress are;- eating too much, impulse b*ying, and driving fast. Who are they kidding that is my idea of a perfect day.

[greece]

Girlie Wisdom


Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they put them.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pill..... she has 14 kids but doesn't care.

One of lifes mysteries is how a 2lb box of chocolates can make a women gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders it leaves completely!

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The best part of living in a small town is when you don't know what you are meant to be doing someone else does.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have become the best of friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my knickers on fire.

Amazing, you hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes.

Skinny people irritate me when they say 'I forget to eat'....Now I've forgotten my address, my mothers maiden name and my keys but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

The trouble with women is they get all excited about nothing, then they marry him!

I read an article that said the typical signs of stress are;- eating too much, impulse b*ying, and driving fast. Who are they kidding that is my idea of a perfect day.

OMG this made me laugh so much lol thnx for posting

[andrews]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Carol.

2nd woman: Hi! Lucy. How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

[andrews]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[RickyRaj]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Lol

[andrews]

Subject: Actual Australian Court Docket - 12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it.'

"CASE DISMISSED!!

[andrews]

Gotta love the blondes!


Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, pa*d for them. OMG!

Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, p*y for themselves in a year.

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, pa*d for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

[andrews]

Windows vs. Ford


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to b*y a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?"before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[akh43]

Windows vs. Ford


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to b*y a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?"before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[andrews]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to b*y him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin' clock!"