A Joke for Today

[andrews]

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well p*y the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't pa*d
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[biggins]

Soooooo true Andrews!!! I've had the symptoms for years my husband informs me!!

[biggins]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

[cinefila1]

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.


Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[andrews]

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..

And then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake stick to your bum and hips!!

We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.

[andrews]

An rugged old blind cowboy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender ...
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'and the bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says ...

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things ......

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it carefully, Cowboy, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a few seconds, shakes his head and mutters ...

'No, ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times ......'

[cinefila1]

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to thinklong and hard before deciding how and when you will p*y for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

[Kaybeelon]

Absolutely brilliant!!!!

[tilly]

Very good !

[June]

Very old and very small joke so apologies now!

Yesterday I woke up Grumpy
Today he managed to wake up by himself!

Sorry, best I could think of at this time in the morning :-)