A Joke for Today

[Deni]

Just spammed all of my cowerkers with cinefila1's joke, brilliant

~ Deni

[biggins]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub.....

The doorman said

"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[weliveandbreathewords]

Old one from my dad:

An irishmen, a scotsmen and an englishman go on a trip to the rainforest when they are cornered by a tribe of red indians.
The big chief says to the englishman," you are very short and skinny, i skin you and make perfect canoe for my little boy, I give you one wish before you die."
The englishman says, "Ill have a decent cup of tea please"
The englishman gets his tea, then the chief skins him and makes a perfect canoe for his little boy.
The big chief says to the irishman, "you are just right, i skin you and make perfect canoe for my wife, I give you one wish before you die."
The irishman says, "Id love one last bottle of whisky please."
The irishman gets his whisky, the chief skins him and makes a perfect canoe for his wife.
The big chief says to the scotsman, " you are very big! you make perfect canoe for big chief! I give you one wish before you die."
The scotsman says, "Id love a fork please."
Confused the big chief gives the scotsman a fork.
The scotsman then begins stabbing himself with the fork all over his body.
"You aint makin' a canoe outta me!"


Yeah my dad isnt very good with jokes

[Beate]

http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/family-pa ... tyles.html

[funthing29]

OMG that is the most adorable thing!

It reminds of a similar video that went viral a few years ago.

[Yinster]

Stolen from my friend's facebook status

So I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body". I'm going to start using "fairy" dish soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

[cinefila1]

A bit gross but here it is (apologies if anyone feels disgusted):


Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...


Ghost Shit

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.


Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!


Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.


Second Thought Shit

You're all done wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you realize you've got some more.


Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


Bali Belly Shit

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.


Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.


King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.


Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.


Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!


Cement Block or Oh God Shit

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.


Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.


Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.


Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning.


Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.


The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.


The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.


The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.


The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

[biggins]

OMG!!! Don't think anyone can beat that one cinefila1!!! But here is what a "friend" sent me on a birthday card today.

THE OLDER WE GET THE MORE WE GET LIKE A COMPUTER!!

WE START OUT WITH LOTS OF MEMORY AND DRIVE.........
......THEN WE BECOME OUTDATED

.......CRASH OUT AT ODD MOMENTS

...AND EVENTUALLY HAVE SOME OF OUR PARTS REPLACED!!!

[andrews]

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course... You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet... Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public toilets. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door..

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.

[Kaybeelon]

Oh my God, Andrews, this is soo true!
You had me in stitches,
I have tears (of laughter) running down my face,
and I need the loo ... (thank God I am at home and don't need a public one).